Either it be food, clothes, places, relationships or amibitions, it seems like I will not be able to settle for anything less than divine. What does that mean?
Let me phase it like this: If I do something I either do it all the way or not at all. Which means I either do something completely amazing or I am simply just bad at it. Luckily I choose to do things that I am capable of, or willing to learn myself into.
Indeed times have changed. I, myself, am not quite what I used to be. At least, this is what I like to believe. When I just moved to Norway and I was randomly chatting with my new classmates, someone told me that it was impossible to learn Norwegian in one year. The irritation that I felt for being told that something was impossible made me more fired up for proving this person wrong. Due to this event I became quite reclusive for a period of 6 months.
The library was my new playground. I was borrowing books, tapes, videos, fairytales, picture books and whatever I could get my hands into so I may reach the goal of learning the Norwegian language in a year. Participating in classes was not an easy bout, as I was still struggling with the language. However I defied my senses for shame and humiliation when I pronounced or uttered something wrong. I kept telling myself to remember from the mistakes and move on. Moving on was ok however i learning from the mistakes was the main challenge. Remembering the mistakes was easy enough however it was a major challenge to teach myself to focus on how I can improve rather than repeating the embarrasing mistakes over and over inside my head.
Practicing pronounciations infront of a mirror helped me only to a certain degree. The thought of having to move outside my “safe”-recluse life style was unending and scared me to death. I was doing pretty ok as a school girl with books, homeworks and praises from teachers. That was enough. For some maybe. Me, myself and I wanted more from life though. I started sorting out options of new challenges. What should be my next activity? Sports? Another language? Work? Heck, why not do it all??? My days changed from school, homework and TV-sessions, to school/homework/games/volleyball/dance/singing/part-time-job and hanging out with my new best friends.
Life was hectic and fun. By the time I reached my 10th grade, I succeeded not only did in learning Norwegian fluently, I won one dance competition, been on the national tournament for volleyball, and even won a trophy. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any better I participated an audition for a talent competition. Feeling confident that I would somehow at least pass through the eliminations, I was slightly disappointed when I didnt. When I got home after the rejection, I comforted myself with the thoughts like: “It’s ok, it’s not like its the end of the world, there will be several chances”. I was kidding myself. Basically I was annoyed and I started finding faults. At first at the judges, then at the crew, then I came to the thought: They’re just doing their job. After that I took a break, then tried for another audition, ending with the same result. I guess the world of fame was not meant for me.
I took another big challenge short after my high school years. I applied for engineering, which I got accepted into. It took me not to long to discover: “This might take some time”. It felt like a cold flashback. The setting felt just like when I was at the audition, where I had to prove myself of my own worth. The program was hard and long, and the days even longer. Not to mention a tad boring. At least to my taste. Given a few months after starting the semester, I withdrew. It seems that having experienced a rejection during an audition taught me a good trick: It is quite easy to give up when things get rough. So I did. Then I tried again. What the?!
Well, I guess I really wanted it bad after all. The engineering degree I mean. This time I got into a university closer to my home town and my mom. Just in case I get cold feet again. Since the program was slightly similar from before, the semester start went smoother this time around. I was doing pretty well as a student however it didn’t take long before I soon dicovered that something didn’t feel quite right. I was getting bored. What now?
I was on my 2nd first year in the university, still feeling insecure about my choice of education. Should I stick to it or should I risk it? Off course I risked it. I found all kinds of reasonings trying to prove myself how logical or sensible my new choice was. While deep inside I was just really hoping that the 3rd time around would really be a charm. I switched to business administration, actually economics and informatics.
My 3rd first year in the university went by, and I even joined a student organisation. Knowing how I like to challenge myself, either just to see whether I can do it or not, I applied for presidency in the organisation as well. I got the position. Today I am on my 2 year in my BA degree, planning even to finish 1 semester earlier than the usual 3-year-course. Perhaps only the heavens knows how that will happen. All I know is that I am trying to do my best with my studies and hope for a miracle to happen.
This past 3 months have been crazy. I have never thought in my whole entire life that I would be able to do the things that I have been doing so far. The things that I was doing, the challenges I took, the uncountable mistakes I made and the memorable successes I have achieved, were all something that I did to prove something. Prove to whom? Sure I was doing things so my mom could be proud of me, but theres more to it than that. I certainly did some because of the money however my motivation wasnt entirely based on the cash I could earn. I got new friends and aquiantances through my activities, although again, this is not the trigger to my actions. I am digging deep, deep, deep into myself: Who am I trying to prove myself to?
Me. It’s all about me. It’s all about how I can do it, why I can do it, when I can do it and what I can do. Basically I was just trying to discover what I was capable of. My skills. Me and my abilities, my potential. I was trying to prove myself of my own worth. Some may call it self discovery. My mom calls it life. My friends call it adventure, and perhap some may find this just plain odd.
I know myself slightly better today than I did yesterday, and the main reason for this is because I dare to try myself out on new things now and then. Fortunately I have people that care for me and give me support even though perhaps they don’t really know what I am doing. Still, I appreciate the trust, and especially the chance, to prove myself my worth.
I expect nothing less than divine. I expect nothing less from myself aside from trying my best every single day. I expect to have fun, enjoy my the things I do and keep on having goals to pursue.I expect nothing less than divine 
mood: hopeful