…a hug
from when I leave
the bed
in the middle of the night
To seek comfort & warmth
in your arms
so tight
and keep my troubles
at bay
til I lie
awake
in the morning
rejuvenated
strong
and ready
to yet
meet another day.
Finally the weather is clearing up here in Stavanger. It’s been 2 months of gray weather & rain, and it is about time I got to feel some sign of spring! Some clear sky & shiny sunshine lights my mood up especially when my bank account is close to choking itself. I’ve made several mistakes, one after another. First, I knew I should have not gone for a trip to London and Ireland. However how could I not to when I have not seen my cousin for over a decade? It was a trip worth doing but now I am paying the price… Luckily I got to take extra shifts at work so I could get my hands on some extra cash…
Funny that – I am supposed to be the one studying economy yet I am unable to handle my own personal economy as I am too busy spending (what I don’t have)… Arg! I’ve accepted my fault and decided to solve this issue. Don’t know how it will work but I have to try something new too because obviously the system I had before didn’t work all too well. Also, we are moving to a new apartment this month, so that will be an extra cost as well. Along with the team building trip to Aberdeen next week… *sigh* I feel delighted and excited about the trip and just too happy that by that time I’ve had worked my share without giving up any work days to travel.
Things are moving forward despite my slightly pessimistic reflections. Sure at the moment I’m struggling financially – but all in all things are going well. I’m looking at the bright side of life because I have a job to go to and an alternative income source to develop if I just find the will to act upon it. Also, lately I’ve been able to hang out with mom and talk with our relatives in Philippines. Nothing compares to the wackiness, drama and excitement from chatting with our loved ones over the phone. I miss my grandpa, my uncle, my cousins and my aunts… Mom and Dad will be travelling to Philippines this summer and I can’t help but feel a slight twinge of jealousy but at the same time I’m looking forward to the stories they will share once they get back.
I am dedicating this year to develop myself and work on my weaknesses. Unfortunately, the usual trend has already set in. I plan, I make a good start then I start slipping off. Now – I am starting to slip off. Due to the after effects of travelling to London in January, I’m behind on my studies, my economy is at the edge of destruction and I’ve not been to the gym for 3 weeks. Fortunately, there’s some progress in some areas. I’ve decided on my bachelor thesis and started developing it. There’s also progress in developing relationships, so somehow it balances out.
What I’ve noticed these past few weeks is that despite the challenges and mistakes I’ve made, I’ve somehow managed to continue because I’ve had good friends to talk with and that I could always depend on mom for moral support. That and by simply not stopping to act upon on my goals. There is sometimes this feeling of uncertainty when I am doing something but despite this emotion – I urge myself somehow to just act, strengthen my resolve and create a result.
There is this belief among Filipinos that when a woman is pregnant, what she does, thinks and especially what she eats will affect her babies growth, intelligence, personality and appearance once born. It was a normal thing to see when I was growing up in Philippines to see that pregnant women order odd special dishes one after another. Sometimes I would even hear relatives recommend the woman to eat certain types of food to increase her unborn child’s intelligence, looks, or whatnot. It was a natural thing to experience and somewhat entertaining at times.
After moving here to Norway and adjusting to a new culture, given that the size of our closest relatives diminished to me, my mom and stepfather, this belief, this culture became invisible to me. Until today, that is. Since 2006, I’ve been on a journey of self discovery, pursuit of knowledge and life experience. Therein I participated in several activities, clearly ignoring my own limitations at times and pushing myself to my out most limits, both physically and mentally. I wanted to develop my dream career, so I went to the university. I wanted to be smart and get a head start in my career building so I participated in a student organization and even took a leadership position. I wanted to get real work experience so I pursuit several part-time jobs and got insight to how different industries work. I want to learn and get inspired by other people so I went to a dozen or more conferences, seminars and lunch-meetings.
This year, on January a life changing experience happened. I had to resign from a very interesting activity. The sudden change made it difficult for me to adjust, as I felt physically, mentally and emotionally drained. It felt like a burnout. I was tired, unmotivated and didn’t have any wish to do anything at all. Still, I marched on and did whatever I could to get myself back on my feet. I tripped and hurt myself, so what? I just need time to heal.
I designed a strategy on how I will get back on the horse. I planned the work at first, although looking back it seems more like a plan to recuperate – to reflect and pursuit random exploration. Then I started working the plan and got into a random job at my local university. One day, during my shift at work I came across a book about ADHD – Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. After work, I read up on the subject and felt more and more like I had demonstrated some of the symptoms to this disorder. For a couple of months now I’ve held on this though “Could I have ADHD”?
So going back to the Filipino Culture of “Pinaglihi”… Today I asked mom, randomly of course, if mom believes if I could have ADHD… Her reaction was quite interesting and annoying as well. She started giggling, and telling me stories of how she was when she was pregnant with me. Of what she felt, dreamed about and planning to do. Of her state of mind. The logical part of me was sort shrugging her explanations away because I honestly didn’t feel that what she was telling have any connection to what I was trying to understand. Yet, although how odd it may seem, while she was telling her story and connecting some similarities, I was feeling more and more relieved.
So the conclusion for this story, as it seems, is that the reason I am so sporadic today is because of my mom’s behavior and attitude while she was pregnant with me. I was “pinaglihi” on emotions, dreams, delicious food and struggle for a better life. It feel like a far fetched explanation to my current worries but nonetheless a comfort to know, that there is an explanation and not a symptom for a disorder after all… Or?
Note – To get to know more about “paglilihi”, go to this site.
There was a time when I was younger, more naive and less precautious person. Back when life seemed so much more predictable, controllable and somewhat easy to plan and figure out. The confidence and courage that I felt back then was so strong I practically felt invisible. It was then that I got involved with a group of people from different parts of the world to perform an extraordinary task. But ack, I was not ready. Although, none of us may have never been ready. Yet, we did what we could and what we did, we loved. We sought, we fought, we conquered, we succeeded and yes, we failed too.
I failed. It wasn’t the first time that I came up short to something but it was definitely one of the most painful. The activities, the goals that I’ve set, were one of the most ambitious BHAGs I’ve ever had. Thus when the axe fell down, and my short comings were found, the pain was harsher than any pain I’ve ever felt. Thereafter, I’ve found myself in a state of sadness, then denial, shock, shame, anger, pity, confusion and at last contemplation.
Life moved on but it was never the same. Time passed by quickly and I found myself doing normal things like going to school, then work and most of the times, I’d even hang out with some friends. Still, there was something missing. I felt this gaping black hole, that was draining my energy, what little I had of motivation. The fight was on, or so I thought. I had nothing. Or did I?
So I drifted for some time. Let things go. Life continued on. Days passed. Weeks. Then months. One day I stopped thinking, started writing more of the thoughts down on pieces of paper. Some days, I could just sit there, think, wait and slowly come to an understanding of the recent events. Perhaps there were too many thing happening at such a short period of time, and perhaps I was too slow to figure it out? Too slow to adapt. I reminisced about the good times and squandered about the bad times. At the end of the day I’ll find myself coming into terms with how the things occurred.
Then suddenly the daily life became exciting again. The colors became more vibrant and the birds chirping sounded less annoying. I found myself doing something like what I did before but something more suitable to my style. I realized back then, when I was younger, more naive and less precautious person, the emotions I felt were a kind of love but more of a crush than an everlasting one. So I reached this point of reflection and found my self wondering – was it real then, the things that I did, the emotions that I felt, the relationships that I built? Then I questioned myself – does it really matter? It happened, I lived through it and loved every bit of it while it was going on. At some point, I was sold out short, but I got the experience of a lifetime and more insight about the world.
The ramblings could go on and on and on. It could be never ending. Is this how it’s like to fall out of love? I loved what I did and got to do it for some time. Then I was advised to retire and found myself heartbroken. It was heart-wrenching because I was still in love. Luckily time healed the wound and I got over it after some time. Still the time that I spent when I was walking in a daze, with rosy glasses on and a heart like a lion would be on my heart for the rest of life. Those memories and lessons are something I hold high regard. I wouldn’t give it for anything in the world. That love was sweet. Then it became bittersweet and not soon after a dot to be connected with other loves. *sigh*
and it’s that difficult. That’s life and that’s what makes it exciting. Doesn’t it?
This week I’ve enjoyed relaxing at home and hanging out with some friends. I’ve enjoyed watching 2 movies, “Conan” and “the 13 assassins”. I love action movie and I love watching them with friends. Mostly because I always get fired up when watching them and I have this weird (and probably annoying) habit of being interactive during the movie. Lol. I can’t help comment about what happens next, ask questions or simply burst in laughter or shouts. *sigh* So loud, so fun.
Yesterday, while wasting some time away online, I reprimanded myself to do something productive. So I typed keywords “self-awareness” and found a link to a site that I deemed worthy reading. Throughout one specific article I read something about the”voice in my head”. According to this article, this voice functions like an emotional guideline, that proposes and warns us on what we should do to make our selves happy. This inner voice of self-judgement was something that we developed from our past actions and logic. It’ll propose actions that have proven to give rewards and warn us of actions that will lead to punishment. “In this way the voice in our head always lives in the past and projects assumptions of the future. It keeps us from experiencing the present moment.”, excerpt from the article.
Upon reading this article, my impression was that my inner voice seemed like a train in super high-speed that spread out through different tracks after passing the station of puberty. Meaning, my inner voice wouldn’t shut up. It’s relentless. Day in and day out it told me on what I should and shouldn’t do. For the past years I’ve followed this voice because I understood that it tried its best to make me happy and successful. And I wanted to be happy and successful, so I did what it recommended. Then it started balling out of control and I was doing more “recommended actions” than I could handle. I’d come to this period when I was just plain exhausted and had no motivation to do anything at all. I’d ignored this inner voice and rebel at it, and scream “Shut Up!”.
So there I was last night, sitting at the sofa, after watching “13 assassins” with a good friend and my mind was drifting off back to this article. I was gaining some understanding about this “inner voice” and I realize that I need to work on it. Upon some reflection, I asked myself “Could this be the reason why I’ve never found my passion? That I keep wandering about and trying all kinds of stuff and not committing myself to something that I love?” I surprised myself with this question. I was baffled, slightly confused and didn’t know where to begin to answer. So I decided not to answer. I contemplated.
At the end of this odd yet special night, I concluded to myself that my inner voice may have been a soon to be train wreck but it definitely gave me a memorable ride from these past years. I’ve come to terms with that I have yet a lot of things to explore, learn and experience about myself and that my main challenge at the moment is to learn how to live in the moment.
It’s that simple yet it is also that difficult. At least for me. Oh!, by the way the movie “13 assassins” was awesome!
If I were an employee at some company I would have to start early in the mornings and go home from work in the afternoons. Some days I would perhaps hang out with friends after work and in the weekends I might go to some parties and maybe get to now some new people. During summer, christmas, new year and winter vacations I will spend some time with my families and friends, and maybe even travel to some new destinations. In good times maybe the company will give me some bonus and in bad times I might just be lucky not to get fired. During lunch breaks I will eat together with my colleagues. We would talk about the weather, other employees, our boss or the current project. I will get to know people, avoid some people and get inspired by some people at work. There will be times when I will see people change their careers and others start theirs, perhaps even train new recruits. Some days I’ll travel because of work, courses or projects. There will be opportunities to grow, new positions to try and if they were interesting I might even apply. If I do, then I might succeed and get the job. Then I’d have to adjust to the new position, learn new things and work with new tasks. I will work hard and may perhaps in time even excel at it. Still, tomorrow I’ll start at 9am in the morning and head home around 4pm.
If I were to start my own business I would need an idea. After working on the idea I would to plan and prepare my business. I might need to book an office, hire some people and manage the business. It’ll be hard work in the beginning. I will not be working 9 to 5 because the business will most probably demand that I work 24/7. There will be lots of things that I would need to do myself and there will be less time to spend time with the family, meet friends and new people. It will take a couple of years before the business takes in money, if it were to turn ok. If it doesn’t I might have a bigger loan than I have today and might have to close the business too. Still it will be an adventure and memory for life. I would get the opportunity something with my own two hands and create a direct impact in other peoples lives (employees, colleagues, business partners, etc).
Oh, the woes of options, how to decide. Work 9-5 or 24/7? The other offers stability, safety and some opportunity to wealth while the other involves adventure, risk and somewhat higher opportunity to develop wealth. Between the two, there are differences that can make or break a person’s social life, career ambitions and dreams. Would I choose one over the other if I were asked to? What would I do?
There are several quotes that I’ve collected to the years that I’ve liked. Words have powerful meaning to me. The quotes that I’ve collected have been a source of inspirations and aspirations at times when I’ve felt lost & needed some courage to face my fears. Reading them, trying to understand their meanings and contents, so that I may gather some courage to get over my obstacles.
Living life as an adventure is an opportunity and blessing. For me, it also means that it means that I am free to do what I want. Having read Helen Keller’s quote, ”Life is an adventure or nothing at all.”, I’ve felt a drag towards it. Towards what I thought it represented: opportunities, happiness, journeys to be taken & stories to make & tell. Yesterday, I’ve come to understand what it really means to me…
Living in Norway is a blessing like no other. Being given access to free education, health care services & other social goodies is something that I am very grateful for. Despite the fact that I am building an increasing study loan, I have also learned how to live independently while still studying. For the ten years that I’ve lived hear I’ve come to understand how wonderful it is to live in this country. How abundant life is here where living day by day don’t have to be struggle to make meets end. It is a working and living welfare state that delivers services, support & opportunities not only limited to its people but also beyond its boundaries. Norway is a blessed country, for now its mainly because of the oil. However behind the solidarity & egalitarian facade there are also people struggling in this country. There are people that are poor because their yearly income is below the average. I understand that the development towards a welfare state has given “poor” a new face. *Sigh* Now I am straying off more & more from what I really want to say…
The thing is that I know that Norway is great kingdom to live in because I’ve lived here for 10 years. Also because I’ve decided to live for the next years to come. I dare not say for the rest of my life because that’s another story… I’m living in Norway. Period. I breath, see & touch the abundance of life in this welfare state. I wanted to get an education. All I did was get decent grades and applied to the university of my choosing. I wanted to work thus I got myself not a job but several ones in year, there were plenty. I needed a place to live in, I applied for the university apartments. The point is the basic needs that are covered in Maslow’s pyramid are easier to cover here because the government provides social services to the needy. At some times it can be faulty and according to the people that have worked with the Norwegian Social system, there are a lot of improvement areas. However despite the flaws & scars, Norway is learning and slowly trying to improve its ways. 10 years living in Norway have given me a good time to integrate to the Norwegian lifestyle & culture. There are still many things that have yet to understand about this kingdom. Albeit there is one thing that I am certain of. Life here is truly an adventure. Although what does it really mean to live life as an adventure?
The moment that I decided that Helen Heller’s quote is my favorite quote I’ve come to reflect about a lot of things. What is life? How should life be lived? What is an adventure? I’ve share my opinion about living in Norway and it is a positive opinion. I have yet to understand about what’s life has stored for me. All I know is that I want to live it to the fullest. I want to be happy. I want to explore. I want to experience things, see things, learn, move others and be moved by inspiring & positive people. I want to live my life as an adventure so that when I become old I can tell my tales to grandkids and share with them how I got over my challenges & obstacles. Both the success & failures. I have envisioned how I wanted my days as a grandma will be. The only thing now is that I have a lot of fear. Especially, fear of failure. Failing to finish my degree, failing to find a good job, failing to maintain good relationship with my loved ones and friends. There are a lot of things that I am afraid of. Sometimes whenever I come across a problem I’d dig deep within myself and pray for a solution. I’ve learned that I can not expect the problem to solve itself and neither should I rely on others to fix the problem for me. If I were to live my life as an adventure, shouldn’t I the main character in my stories be dynamic & show that I’m learning too? Because I am definitely not a superwoman. I have no super powers. What I have to live my life as an adventure is my being: past, present & future and all it entails. As an ordinary human being I have dreams ambitions beyond what my pockets can cover. I wish I was wealthy, like cash wealthy. Not rich but wealthy. I have some ideas on how I can become one, however the only reason I want to become wealthy is because 1)it sounds super nice, 2) I can do whatever I want, as in buy whatever I want that can be bought by money in an ethical, moral & legal manner. 3) I can help & support whomever I want, in anyway that I want and when I want. But…. and it is a big BUT. I can do this all now. I don’t have to wait till I become wealthy. The reason is I only want to become wealthy for all the superficial reasons. What I want is to be financially independent, get a good education & have a fabulous life with my loved ones. That’s what I want. Yesterday I faced my greatest fear for this year. The fear involved a relationship and my fear of losing a best friend, a lover & companion. It was the scariest thing that I’ve done so far this year. But I got over it. It is definitely a small, personal & emotional adventure. However I’m glad I got over it. Life certainly is an adventure here in Stavanger, Norway.
Sunday after a Saturday party can be a challenge at times as there will be some tasks lying around at your feet once you get out of bed. Like dishes for example, and left over drinks & snacks. These gotta go. They can’t stay there and rot throughout for a couple of days, especially when there’s a trip involved by the end of the week.
Dredging a slow start at a Sunday I’ve tackled my most hated dishes. It is not my favorites task, doing the dishes, however I do not leave my guests to do them for me even though they might volunteer for it. Done. Clear. Next. Clean the apartment for trash. Done. Deal. What next?
As a part of plans for this year, I’ve made several projects concerning my activities. One of the main focuses this year is achieving financial controll. This was not an easy feat, as first of all, I prefer earning & using the money asap rather than controlling were it actually goes. Unfortunately, I’ve realized (after reading some financial books on why a girl should manage her finances better) that I should take controll of my finances because if not it might controll me. Thus I’ve customized a plan for my activities and ended up w/ having a weekly allowance of 600NOK. So far the budget has been working for 3 weeks, and at best I’ve managed to set enough of the leftovers to actually go for a january sale shoppping. Off course since my birthday is in January I’ve got some gifts as well. However all in all I ended up stricking good bargains at different shops at Madla Amfi.
So the financial plan works. Sort of, there still the concern of early celebration and extra travelling expenses. However there is something liberating about not having to constantly worry about how to make ends meet every month. Having an overview on bi weekly expenditure kinda keeps things in check for me.
Bi-weekly tracking. Check. Geek moment is over. What next?
Met with Janne and worked with our financial tracking sheet for AIESEC UiS. This girl is such a motivation to me. Energetic, powerful & with an absolute warm character. And most important of all, she invited me for pizza. Highlight of the day. No wait a minute. It’s one of the higlights of the day. Before the meeting I watched the movie “Legend of the Fist: The return of Chen Tzen”. Just gotta love action! We, me & Janne, got the work done. Most of it at least. Afterwards another meeting w/ another AIESEC member.
Sunday is usually a rest for many. For me it is a time to reflect on things and catch up to some tasks that has been postponed. Fortunately there’s only been a few postponed tasks these week. Today has been a productive & fun day. Next Sunday will be spent in Copenhagen together w/ my team & other AIESECers. I can’t wait.
Coming to Norway in April 11, 2000, one of the first challenges I had to overcome was to break the language barrier. I had to learn Norwegian. It went well considering I received assistance & training at school. With a combination of will & persistence I was able to finish my junior high school w/ excellent grades. While adapting to the Norwegian culture I got opportunity to explore things on my own, control my own daily activities and spend time as I wanted. I was active and got along w/ my Norwegian friends. I did arts at school, worked at the bakery, played volleyball during weekdays and dancing at weekends. It was fun. It was a blast, till it lasted. Eventually I moved out of town (Egersund) and started university life.
17th of May 2000
Learning how to use make-up 
First vacation ever. Destination: Denmark.
Dance competion: Freestyle 
